that I’ve deleted the appallingly self-pitying page I created last night! Yes, I really was that low. Yes, I really was that worked up with the world and, yes, it really was that bad though none of it had anything to do with my cancer!
The other good news is that the meeting with our attorney, Collett Small (whose services I wholeheartedly recommend), went well and Collett anticipates no problems with the immigration interview with USCIS, as my wife and I are clearly a genuine marriage. The bad news, or potentially bad news, is that the 10 minute drive to Collett’s offices and the fifteen minutes we met with her left me pretty much wiped out. “Wiped” is actually a good verb to use here as, in an air conditioned office, I was wiping cold sweat from my forehead within a couple of minutes and the hair at the nape of my neck was saturated. My wife said that my face had also gone very pale. My throat went dry so I was swallowing more and my voice went up by, what sounded to me, at least half an octave. You’ll have recognised immediately that all of these are, or rather, might be, characteristics of someone telling a lie. I trust the USCIS agent who will be carrying out the interview will have sufficient experience to be able to distinguish between the physical side-effects of the chemotherapy medication and a lie. I’m sure they will. Yes, I am. Honestly, I am. What I was surprised to learn is that there’s a possibility that my passport will receive the appropriate stamp at the immigration interview with USCIS. If that happens that would be really good as it would be something to take off my “to worry about list”. There’s not much on that list these days, which is good as I don’t have much energy to spare on worrying, but everything on that list relates to one or other of my loved ones and they really are worth worrying about though some of them need it more than others at the moment.
My body clock got another huge jolt yesterday and is perhaps heading back towards normal now. As I wrote above, the trip to the attorney’s wiped me out and I had to have a lie-down when we got back home, but, much to my surprise, I didn’t nod off. No, instead of nodding off at 5 p.m. I was still wide awake this morning at 2.30 a.m., or about 14 hours after I’d woken up. I thought that being awake so long would at least mean that I then got to sleep throughout the remainder of the night, but no, I was awake not much after 5 a.m. and then had an hours doze from around 7 a.m. I can feel the physical effects of the fatigue as I type. There’s a lack of co-ordination, my head is beginning to feel too heavy for my neck, my eyelids are feeling even heavier and my eyes are burning. It’s better than vomiting though, isn’t it.
On the other hand, maybe the reason I slept so badly was that I realised how ridiculously self-pitying and self-indulgent the now deleted page was and was worrying about anyone reading it before I took it down.